Are you ready? Are you ready for this?

Are you hangin' on the edge of your seat?

No admittance for burning people.
Flames leaking through the door frame are a tell-tale sign of burning people trying to sneak in. Don't open the door for them.

Make sure that you always have an alternative exit route that requires you to walk away from the exit and all the way around the room first.

All the dust kicked up by the nuclear explosions makes for really terrific sunsets. Park by the roadside and enjoy them, while you still can.

Remember to keep close physical contact to your loved ones, in case radioactivity causes your faces to fall off, rendering you blind, mute and unable to breathe.

Antiquated computer eqipment causes structural instability in ceilings. Good thing you're playing under the table instead of trying to work, or that could have been you.

Remember: Radioactivity always runs downhill, just like water.

Alleviate your constant state of fear through Feng Shui. Place biohazards, weird orange swirls and animal corpses into a pleasing arrangement and contemplate it.

When terrorists try to attack you, delay them by saying "Not now, honey. I'm having a migraine."

If your car stops, you can jump-start it by cutting down an overhead wire.

If you can see or hear car radios floating in the air, stop smoking whatever it is you're smoking.

Wash your hands before using someone else's phone. Nobody wants your boogers and semen stain on their keys.

When being offered a drink by terrorists, remember that the biohazardous ones are red.

While calmly strolling away from biohazards, be careful not to trip over large red arrows getting caught between your legs.

If you are ten feet high or taller you are presenting a convenient target for terrorists. Try to find a building with an oversized door and shelter inside.

Camping trips are great opportunities to play "doctor".

Be kind and free any red arrows that you find trapped in doors.

Do not buy any burning buildings, no matter how hard the realtor tries to convince you they're "hot".

If you feel weighed down and trapped, use your flashlight to check - you may be squashed beneath tons of rubble.

Radioactivity can cause terrible mutations. This may be a good explanation for the current administration.